Read It Or Don't

The Job Listing:

We need an administrative assistant to help manage this fast paced company. Job Responsibilities:

- Answering and screening phone calls for the CEO.

- Clerical work including copying, faxing and filing of all documents.

- Arranging all appointments and meetings

- Greeting all clients in a professional and polite mannerism.

- Greeting visitors and checking their identification.

$45,000 starting & 2 wk vacation and paid benefits.

So I applied and received this e-mail in return:

Hi Dave,

I see that you are interested in the job we posted on Craigslist. After reviewing your resume, we decided that we’d love to have you on our team! Let me tell you about the location. The hours are 10am to 6pm and we are located by Battery Park. The starting salary is $45,000 with 2 weeks paid vacation, sick days, and much more which will be discussed during the interview.

Before we schedule an interview, I need you to do a free credit check through our affiliated company. Go to this link ( http://twurl.nl/zg00lq ) and get your credit report, we will be automatically notified. Let me make a few things clear, we are NOT judging your credit score, nor do we get access to your private information. We do understand that a lot of people have less than perfect credit and financial problems, that’s the whole point of them applying for a job, right? Secondly, this absolutely CANNOT be worked around. It is mandatory! We deal with EXTREMELY sensitive data involving personal finances, investments, and retirement funds. Think of it this way, would you want the employees handling your financial information to get properly screened? I’m sure your answer would be yes!

If you do not agree with taking the credit check, please do not bother e-mailing to work around it, your e-mail will not be acknowledged. Also, please do not ask if you can bring in your own copy of the credit check or take the credit check during the interview. I hope you can understand!

Thank you,

Heather Clarke

And, after finding the link lead to FreeCreditReport.com, my response to “Heather:”

Hi Heather,

You think with all the catchy FreeCreditReport.com commercials, you guys would be bringing in enough business that you could avoid having to fool people on Craigslist into using your service.

I understand that my e-mail will not be acknowledged because I didn’t sign up for my free credit report (plus my automatically enrolled $14.95/month membership program charged to my credit card with no prior notification) mostly because I’m well aware that you will NOT be “automatically notified” because that process would be illegal without my written consent, which you do not have.

For a job that was asking for an administrative assistant that was handling “EXTREMELY sensitive data involving personal finances,” your application process seems a lot more like a scam that will charge me, the unemployed applicant, $15 dollars a month to monitor credit that is only getting worse because of scams like this.

On the off chance that First Come Services HR is a real company, despite your seemingly non-existence during a Google search, I thought I’d send along this helpful information, should you actually want people’s credit report. This is pasted directly from the fine print on the first page of FreeCreditReport.com, to which you linked:

FreeCreditReport.com is not affiliated with the annual free credit report program. Under federal law you have the right to receive a free credit report from each of the three nationwide consumer credit reporting agencies once every 12 months. To request a credit report under that law, go to www.annualcreditreport.com

As in: how dare you think I was stupid enough to sign up for a scam-billing service, then tell me there is absolutely no way around using FreeCreditReport.com. Thanks for wasting 20 minutes of my week.

Sincerely,

Dave Gonzales

I’ve been blogging for personal reasons for awhile. Since about 2002, I think. Since then, nary a week has gone by without me vomiting my thoughts onto the internet in some sort of way. Recently, Facebook and Twitter centralize enough of my content that you can choose what Da7e insanity to bob in and out of.

It used to be oh-so-centralized at DaveRocksTheUniverse.Peachsoda.com, DRTU for short, where I would type loads of nonsense into the ether.

Then, the site got popular and the bots descended on the comments section. I had to delete all the comments to stop them and lost a lot of contributions from friends and family.

Anyway, when the “great transition” from DRTU to ReadItOrDont.com happened, I locked off the old archives. That way I can get a job without all my pre-professional blogging clouding the judgement.

And, as my friend Nate has been reminding me. There is good reason why these archives we closed off. Using selective quotes, Nate has reminded me that I didn’t hold back on the craziness I pushed into the blogosphere. This was pre Google Blogsearch, so I thought I was privately talking to a select few, not blasting to the masses.

Facebook Message from Nate:

hey. is there any way to gain access to the archived DRTU content? i’d like to look at some old posts.

Then, he started pulling quotes:

Since “coffee” and “toilet” are not two words that are commonly grouped in free-association, it really looks like I take horrible shits the viscosity of coffee then leave them in my toilet for long periods of time - long enough to leave the brownish-black loop that resides there now. I don’t even know if we own a toilet brush. I know we have sponges and gloves, but that’s why I fear cleaning the toilet.

-Dave Gonzales

And:

I grabbed my current reading (All The President’s Men), and headed into the bathroom. I had been holding this piss/shit off for awhile. While reading, my groin sensed some moisture.
Was I pissing out of the toilet? I was sitting.
I looked down.
I had sat in such a hurry as to take up only the front 3/4ths of the seat. I had pissed so hard into the porcelain that the urine had rebounded, misting my groin.

-Dave Gonzales

So, yeah. Thanks for that reminder, Nate.